All I Do Is Miss You
by Numbatstuff
Summary: After Jacob leaves Rachel & Jess having lunch, he travels to California with his Russian friend Sergei. This is the story of that trip. It follows directly on from "Here's to Lunch"


So I don't know why I even attempted to write this. All I did was cry. But he needed it to happen and so I had to write it for him.

It's probably the hardest thing I've done, and for that reason I tried to keep it reasonably direct and to the point. I hope you don't think it's too brief, but I tried hard not to have it drift off into sappy, maudlin, overly flowery language. But hey, it probably did anyway.

Even the soundtrack makes me cry. But this song always has, even before I wrote the story. Those fantastic opening bars on the steel guitar are enough to set me off (but I am a bit of a hopeless case if you hadn't realised by now!). If you haven't heard it for a while, have a listen.

This is for Jacob and Maggie. It's their song.

Soundtrack: Romeo & Juliet – Dire Straits

"And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be  
All I do is keep the beat and bad company  
All I do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme  
Julie I'd do the stars with you baby, anytime  
Juliet, when we made love you used to cry  
Said l love you like the stars above  
Oh I love you baby 'til I die  
And there's a place for us, you know the movie song  
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong  
Juliet…"

If you look this up on youtube, please look for this clip "Mark Knopfler - Romeo And Juliet A Night In London" It's absolutely the best version i've ever seen/heard. Brilliant!

…

"Are you sure about this Jacob?"

Sergei looked at him with concern, his blonde brows knitted over his blue eyes. He could see the nervous agitation on Jacob's face.

He put his hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to do this my friend," he said in his thick Russian accent. "Rachel would not expect you to do this for her."

They were in a plane, 25,000 feet above the ground about halfway between Washington DC and San Francisco International Airport. It was 7pm.

"It's not really for her Serge," Jacob replied, staring out of the window. "It's for me."

Sergei could see that his oldest friend was not in the mood for talking. He was away in his head somewhere as he so often was. He leaned down to his bag, pulled out a book and settled back in his seat. 25 years of friendship had taught him when to simply leave Jacob alone to his own thoughts.

That's why Jacob had chosen Sergei to accompany him on this trip. He knew he'd need someone to lean on, someone to help him through. But he didn't want to have to talk endlessly about it. That's why he hadn't asked Anna. Frank was too busy and wouldn't really understand anyway. No, he needed a rock. He needed the tall gentle Russian by his side.

…

At 4pm the following day, they were standing on the beach in Half Moon Bay, in front of a sprawling red weatherboard house.

"It hasn't changed a bit has it…?"

Jacob shook his head, "not a bit Serge," he sighed, "not a bit."

They'd spent the night at The Intercontinental in San Francisco. Stayed up late in the bar talking and drinking, despite Jacob's best intentions, and had slept in until 10am. Eaten a late breakfast of eggs benedict and strong coffee in the hotel, and an even later lunch of rib eye steaks and whiskey at Alfred's.

As they stood on the beach, the cool breeze ruffled their hair. The sun was already low in the sky with sunset only an hour away now that the clocks had been wound back for the year.

After a few minutes, the big Russian smiled. "We had some good times here didn't we? Do you remember Maggie's fantastic brunches?"

Jacob nodded. Sunday brunch had been a tradition at their house. Maggie loved the idea of the open house. Anyone could turn up, any time on Sunday morning and be assured that the house would be full of people and children and dogs. Summer on the beach, winter by the big open fire.

Jacob wasn't remembering the brunches though. He was thinking of the other times. Times that they'd been alone. Their life, lived in this home. Just living, talking, laughing, cooking, making love. Maggie painting. Reading together, swimming together. Holding her. Kissing her. The day she died.

They eventually turned away, made their way down the sand to the jetty.

"You remember the co-ordinates don't you?" Sergei asked.

"Of course, as if I'd ever forget," he replied with a wry shrug of his eyebrows. "They said that the keys would be inside the cabin and that they'd leave the boat fully fuelled and ready to go."

"You did well arranging it with them."

"Not really. I just explained it all. They understood completely. Were happy to help. At least they already knew me from the sale of the house. Knew about Maggie."

"Is it time then?"

Jacob nodded and they climbed onto the boat.

…

Within half an hour they had made their destination and dropped anchor. Jacob scanned the horizon. It had been a clear, crisp November day but now with sunset approaching, the temperature had fallen sharply. Sergei bent to avoid bumping his head as he made his way out of the cabin, sat next to Jacob at the back of the boat, handed him a tall can.

"Beer?"

"Thanks," Jacob took the can and cracked the top. Took a long drink.

They sat together in companiable silence, drinking, looking out to sea, watching the sun sink lower towards the horizon.

"Do you really want to do this Jake?" the Russian asked eventually. He was still concerned. "I don't think Rachel is expecting you to do this."

"I know." Jacob sighed. "But like I said before, it's really not about Rachel. It's about me. It's about Maggie. About telling her that I'm going to be ok. Letting her know that I need to move on."

Sergei nodded. Sunset was rapidly approaching. He knew Jacob would need to be alone. "Well I'm getting chilly, I'm going back in the cabin. Are you ok?"

Jacob nodded. "I've got my jacket if I get cold."

But they both knew that's not what he meant.

Sergei got to his feet slowly. Rested his hand on Jacob's shoulder. "I'm just a few steps away my friend, if you need me."

Jacob placed his hand over the other man's. "Thanks for coming with me."

The Russian nodded. Made his way to the cabin.

Jacob sat in silence for a few minutes. Stared into the deep blue of the Pacific Ocean.

Finally he spoke, quietly. "I know you're not exactly here, princess. Not at this very spot." He looked around, to the horizon, back to the shore. Scanned the sea.

"I know you're everywhere out there. In every drop of the sea, in every grain of sand. But this is the exact spot that we scattered your ashes on that day at sunset, so I thought that if I was going to talk to you that this should probably be the time and the place. I know we made your memorial in Vermont with your parents, but I've always felt that you were here. Not there."

He rubbed his face, wearily.

"So… I guess you know that I'm in love. In love with Rachel. That we're getting married on Saturday. That she's pregnant."

He paused.

"It took me a long time to find her. Took me a long time to be sure that she was the one. But I love her Maggie. She's not you. She's very different from you. But I need her and I love her. She's clever and tough and brave and stubborn and independent, but I ache for her when she's not with me. She fills the hole in me that you left behind."

"I miss you. All I do is miss you. I miss you every day Maggie. But she's healing me and that's what I need."

"I never thought I'd come here and do this. You know it's not like me to be talking to dead people," he laughed softly, "but I feel you with me, here, now."

"So here's the thing, princess. I need you to understand that it's ok to let me go now. I'm going to be alright. You don't need to be looking after me anymore. You don't need to come to me again. I need to stop seeing you in every red headed woman I come across. I need to not be making out with waitresses in dark alleys because I really just want to make love to you one more time."

He reached behind his neck, unclasped the leather cord that he'd worn for the past eight years. "I want you to have this now. It represents our love for each other and all the time I wear it, I don't believe I can really move on. It came from the sea and from your heart, and I think it should return there, to be with you now."

He clasped the pearl in his hand. It was already warm from the heat of his body. Warm from eight years against his skin.

He felt a pain stab him in the chest.

"Don't make this hard for me, princess. I miss you more than words can express. Rachel will never replace you in my heart. You have to understand that. You will always have your place and she will make her own place. I need the two of you to be able to exist together. But she's my future now. And I need that future."

"You know me better than anyone. Without hope in the future I have nothing. You know I've never been able to live in the past."

His breath caught in his throat. The pain in his chest was growing and he could feel his throat thickening. It was becoming hard to speak.

"Don't make me cry Maggie. I wanted to come and do this without crying." A tear ran down his cheek. "But that was never going to happen was it?"

He smiled. "At least you got your way on that."

He leaned over the side of the boat, held his clenched fist in the water for what seemed an eternity.

"For you," he said quietly as he eventually opened his hand.

And as he watched the pearl drop slowly downwards through the water, the leather cord trailing lazily behind it, his tears ran freely, the salty water dripping from his eyes mixing seamlessly with the salty water of the sea.

"Goodbye princess."

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned his head up to look into the face of his friend. Sergei's face was damp with tears and as Jacob stood and buried his head into the taller man's chest, the Russian held him tightly in a bear hug.

"It's ok my friend," he whispered, "she's here. I can feel her and she understands."

…

They made good time on the homeward flight that evening. There was an important issue he wanted to discuss with Sergei and they spent most of the journey in deep conversation.

Underneath it all though, Jacob felt sick. Felt sick and lonely and lost. He desperately needed to see Rachel, to make sure she was ok. Needed to check on her and then be alone with his thoughts.

The experience of returning the pearl to the sea had unhinged him more than he would ever have imagined. Never before had he felt Maggie's presence so strongly. Her spirit had been there, he had no doubt about it. He had felt loved and embraced. But afterwards he had felt abandoned. He hadn't expected to feel like that. And it shook him to the core.

…

She awoke with a start. Instinctively, she quickly scanned the room. She heard a noise from her ensuite bathroom.

She could see light coming from under the door and the sound of water running.

She looked at the clock. It was 2am.

Surely it wasn't Jacob already? She frowned. His plane should have landed at 1.30am, but it usually took more than half an hour to collect bags, find a taxi and get home. And why wouldn't he have woken her? Told her he was home. Climbed into bed with her as he'd promised.

She slipped out of bed and padded quietly across to the bathroom. Gently, she pushed open the door. Hot water was blasting from the shower head, steam filling the glass cubicle. She saw him and her heart fractured in her chest. He was sitting on the floor under the streaming water. Leaning back against the wall with his eyes closed, legs stretched out in front of him, fully dressed. He looked completely lost.

For a moment she hesitated. What was he doing? Why was he in the shower with his clothes on? What should she do?

And then he opened his eyes and looked at her.

She shuddered involuntarily. "Oh Jacob," she murmured. The pain in his eyes was heartwrenching.

Without giving it another thought she opened the shower door, knelt down beside him under the water and put her arms around him. Hugged him tightly. He leaned his head on her and she put one hand on his wet hair. Held his head to her breast protectively.

And so they stayed until the water began to run cold and the bones in her knees were burning with discomfort.

"Come on sweetheart," she whispered, "you'll catch cold if you stay in here any longer." She reached up and turned off the water. Leaned his head gently back against the wall. She opened the door, quickly stripped off her wet pyjamas, dried herself roughly and slipped on her bathrobe, which was hanging behind the bathroom door.

Then she turned her attention to him, still sitting on the floor of the shower with his eyes closed. He had started to shiver.

She grabbed a couple of towels and went back into the shower. Knelt down next to him, unbuttoned his soaking shirt and peeled it off of his wet body. She wrapped one of the towels around his shoulders. She moved her hands to his waist, unbuttoned his jeans.

"I need you to stand up," she whispered to him. He got to his feet heavily. She stripped his jeans and wet trunks off him and wrapped the second towel round his waist. She led him out of the shower and bathroom, sat him down on the bed. He was compliant, silent, and for the most part his eyes remained closed. She was glad of this at least, for his gaze was haunting, his eyes brimming with sadness.

She dried his hair gently and went to find him some clothes. She had a lot of her clothes at his house but he hadn't really left a lot at her apartment. She was able to find a pair of his trunks and one of his t-shirts in a basket of clean laundry, but by the time she made it back to the bedroom he was already asleep, naked on top of the bed. She picked up the wet towels and went back to the bathroom to hang them up and dry her hair.

She stared at herself in the mirror and sighed. She was tired and the tell tale dark shadows under her eyes were showing. She hated her pale skin. She hoped the dark circles would be gone by the wedding. She really needed to get some more sleep. All these thoughts were forced though. She was really just trying not to think of him.

Trying not to wonder where it was that he'd gone, what he'd been through to provoke such a heartrending emotional response in him. She could hardly bear to think of the look he gave her when she first walked into the bathroom.

Maybe he'd feel the need to tell her when she finally got into bed with him. Somehow though, she just didn't want to know.

She turned off the bathroom light and made her way into the bedroom. He looked like a child asleep on the bed, but his brow was still knitted into a frown.

Then she realised. The beautiful blue grey pearl was gone. Her breath caught in her throat. Her chin began to crumple. 'Jacob, no…'

She stood there for a few moments. She'd never seen him without the pearl. It was a part of him.

With a little difficulty, she managed to manouvre the top sheets and blanket out from under his prone body and tuck them over the top of him. Move his head onto the pillow.

She climbed into her side of the bed and turned off the light. She was deeply unsettled by the disappearance of the pearl. She'd always loved it. She knew it had been a gift from Maggie on their honeymoon, but she'd never had an issue with it, it was such a part of him. For as much as she sometimes felt she couldn't compete with Maggie, that her love could never stack up against the great love that had been his and Maggie's, the pearl represented him, not her.

It represented his passion for the sea. His soul.

It made her terribly sad to think it was gone. Maybe he had just taken it off and tucked it away somewhere, she thought to herself hopefully, although in her heart she doubted that was true.

She moved closer to him, wrapped her arms around him. He murmured and tucked his body closer to her. Pulled her into him with his strong arms.

She kissed his hair. "Oh Jacob," she whispered. She hated to think that he was hurting. She felt guilty, unbelievably ashamed. She'd never even considered how hard this wedding would be for him. He'd been so eager to go ahead, she'd never given a thought as to what he would have to leave behind to take this step with her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Rachel," he murmured. "I need you."

"I'm here love," she said. Held him tightly. His warm bare skin felt unbelievably erotic against her body and she thought of how right it felt to hold him in her arms.

He lifted his head. Looked unsteadily into her eyes. Frowned intensely. "I just need you to be in love with me," he whispered. "I need to know that you'll never leave me."

She frowned as a tear ran down her face. The look in his eyes was tearing her apart.

"You are everything to me Jake, everything."

He leaned forward and kissed her. "Don't cry sweetheart," he murmured into her mouth. "All I need to know is that you love me and you're happy."

"I've never been so happy in my life. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be. You're my life Jacob. My future."

He looked at her with an intensity that she'd never seen before. "That's what I need to know Rachel. That you see me in your future. I need to know that we really are going to get married in 2 days. I need to know that I'm going to be able to watch your belly grow ripe and full with my baby, that I'm going to be able to make love to you when you're heavy and swollen. That I can be there when she's born, and be the first person to touch her slippery head. That we can watch our children grow up together. That I can hold your hand as we grow old together." He shook his head. "That's all I really want from life Rachel. I'm not interested in jobs and science and FBI and money and houses and cars. The only thing I want is you."

"Oh Jake," she sighed, tears running down her face. "I don't know where you've been and I don't know what you did there to get you into this state, but never, ever doubt that I love you. I love you Jacob. I need you. I will never leave you. Ever. Ever."

He smiled gently and she felt his body relax a little in her arms. "Thankyou for being in my life," he whispered and rested his head back on her breast.

She stroked his hair and held him.

Eventually, she lifted his face to hers and kissed his mouth, kissed his face. She ran her hands down the bare skin of his chest. Nuzzled into his neck.

"Rachel," he murmured. "Don't make this about sex, sweetheart. Just love with me with your heart. That's all I need. To know you love me."

"But I'm so crap with words Jake. I can't express to you how much I love you just with words. Let me make love to you. Let me show you how much I love you."

He took her face in his hands, looked into her eyes. Looked deep into her soul. And then he touched her lips gently with his. Barely making contact. Again. Then again. His lips feathering hers. His breath hot on her face. Touching her. Asking her. Wanting her.

She ran her hands down his body. Over the familiar contours of his chest and his belly. Feeling his warm skin under her fingers. "I love you Jacob. Let me love you"

He murmured as she ran her tongue along his collar bone to the hollow at the base of his throat, down to the top of his chest. She'd never really kissed him there before because the pearl had always taken this space.

"Where is it?" she whispered.

"In the sea"

"Why?"

"To… to say goodbye. For good."

A wave of sorrow swept over her. What must he have been through?

A tear dripped from her eye, ran slowly down his chest. She laid her head on him. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

He stroked her hair.

"Let me love you Jacob, all I can do is love you, that's all I know how."

She ran her hand slowly down the flat muscular plane of his belly, followed the erotic line of hair that ran from his navel down to his groin. She breathed deeply as she wrapped her fingers around him, already thick and needy and hard.

"Rachel…"

"Ssssh," she whispered, "you don't need to speak. Just let me love you."

And as she ran her hand along the velvety skin of his rigid cock, she wondered at the marvel of him. His intelligence, his humanity, his compassion, his flawless soul. His beautiful face, his perfect body, his gentle heart. She made love to him as he'd always longed for her to, slowly, gently, tenderly, with desire and passion and love. And when she had finished, he held tightly to his body as though he would never let her go, and she gently kissed the tears from his face.

…

And so I think this part of Romeo and Juliet belongs to Jacob & Rachel:

"I can't do the talk, like they talk on the tv  
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be  
I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you  
I can't do anything except be in love with you"

Because it's their song too.


End file.
